Glutbusters

September 14, 2005

Self-Analysis Time

In the wake of Roger Federer's demolition of Andre Agassi in the latter part of Sunday's US Open Final, and Agassi's concession that he has never seen a player like Roger, it's time to examine that other loose cannon on the tennis circuit - Peter from Glutbusters.

So let's break down the game.

Forehand - Once the lynchpin of a formidable schoolboy game, perhaps its most famous moment was being ripped off the back foot past an approaching Rob C on the dusty red en-tous-cas of court 1 at St Andrew's Church, Brighton, around 1995. Now a shadow of its former self. At its best: a crushing weapon of demoralisation; at its worst, an embarrassing shank capable of sending balls into neighbouring courts/houses/heads.

Attire - Defiantly casual. Collars shunned unless part of deliberate retro pastiche of tennis fashions past. Shorts appropriately-lengthed; neither religion-revealing (a la John McEnroe circa 1982) nor obtrusively long (see Rafael Nadal). Anklet socks preferred for calf definition and lengthening of legs except on certain surfaces. (Tips for new players: on grass and en-tous-cas/clay, longer socks prevent your shoes filling up with crap from the court- Ed.)

Backhand - Aesthetically the rival of Federer's. Front foot planted and knee gracefully bent. Tremendous shoulder rotation. Ball striking tragically generates about as much power as a newly-retired midweek lady. Wish I had listened to my coach when, at age 10, he counselled a double-hander. Recently-outed (at the time) lesbian Hana Mandlikova hit one (or did she?). Either way, I wasn't interested.

Accessories - Excellent use of trendy sunvisor in neutral grey. Wristband (always present on right wrist) rotated through a variety of styles/colours and used theatrically for brow mopping at crucial moments. Key to club kept on bright green Prince lanyard next to Prince racquet - the syncronicity of marque suggesting sponsorship as a not unlikely possibility.

Volleys - Solid. Spectacular in fact. Particularly down low. A crushing piece of the Glutbusters armory.

Serve - Punishing. Economical, Sampras-esque technique, excellent reach, unparalleled accuracy. See Fig 1.

Fig. 1

Temperament - Top class mastery of a broad range of tantrums, from the frustrated racquet-bounce to the despairing self-flagellation ("Peter, you fuckwit") to the run-for-your-lives-kids-there's-a-psycho-on-court-twelve explosiveness of hitting balls into, and occasionally over, the back fence.

Big-game experience - Held on to win a nail-biter in the Men's Doubles (Section 2) at the Cohuna Lawn Tennis Club Easter Tournament 2005. Nerves of steel.

Look out, Roger.

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