Glutbusters

July 24, 2005

A Wig Night Out

I spent Saturday night at The Production Company's production of Kiss Me, Kate at the Arts Centre. I haven't been to a song 'n dance show in a while, and I'd forgotten how incredibly hammy and cheesy tremendously colourful and fun musical theatre could be. I particularly enjoy that very distinctive style of "acting" that chorus members of musicals get up to, a sort of hello-there-other-chorus-member-let's-have-an-animated-yet-silent-
conversation-because-really-we're-the-very-best-of-friends-and-
okay-now-I'll-head-over-here-to-my-mark-for-the-big-number-we-
came-on-stage-for carry-on that would be utterly insane in any other context. But I love it. That, and its counterpart, the goodness-me-we've-just-finished-our-duet-and-broken-from-our-young-
talent-time-pose-but-the-applause-is-still-going-and-now-we-have-
to-mime-a-little-bit-of-business-before-my-next-line act.

The show: not bad. For Cole Porter there were a few dud numbers. But the crowd: spectacular. God, when the inner-eastern musical theatre folk come out to play... A turtle-neck here, a string of pearls there. Silver fox waves here, Trude-and-Jude haircuts there.

So the Glutbusters awards are as follows:

Best Dressed (Male)

The guy standing next to us at interval. From the bottom:

Black shoes, black slacks (so far, so dull)
A pale blue and white vertical striped shirt (okay...)
A red knit sweater (it might have been a vest. I couldn't see, because topping it off was:)
A charcoal blazer. With light pale blue and pink candy stripes.
Glorious.
Oh, hang on, did I mention that he had THE MOST OBVIOUS TOUPEE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD atop his head? Hair. Just there. No discernible root system. No sideburns. It just stopped. Tan. Waved and swept towards the back.

Best Dressed (Female) and the Glutbuster Encouragement Award (including tear off voucher for cheeseburger, small coke and small fries) for the most spectacular outfit of the evening

Production Company chair Jeanne Pratt (wife of the hilariously-named (though no-one has the balls to laugh to his face) paper tycoon Dick Pratt). Again, from the bottom:

Black shoes.
Brown slacks that extended from the ankle (pretty regulation), under the lowpoint of the overhanging breast, and came to rest around the area where the bottom of the boob joins to the torso (where, indeed, they couldn't go any further unless they were adjusted to pass over the breast)
A brown jacket (more a jacklet) that just met the aforementioned pant at its highest point.
White shirt with black buttons.
Bow tie.

"Bow tie? Dude, did you mis-type that?"
"Yeah, maybe I did. I'll type it again, being extra careful":

BOW. TIE.

And she was greeting everyone as they went in. That's right, short of decking the security guard at the stage door and running fancy-free through the dressing rooms pausing only to slap some sense into Marina Prior (and I toyed with the idea), the only way into the theatre was past the chocolate gatekeeper that was Jeanne.

Shudder.

Filed under Vitriol

Comments

I just love the way you referred to a 'pant', singular.

Posted by: Mel at July 26, 2005 01:51 PM

Woohoo, what a classic post. You are going to have to guest post on the showtunes blog I keep threatening to start.

Chocolate gatekeeper - gorgeous.

As for the chorus - ooh yes, 'round my way we like to call this 'Chorus Acting' (an ingenius name, I think). It's a skill honed in high school musicals by background performers who try desperately to draw the focus away from the talentless slag who only got the lead role because she's the principal's daughter. For those lucky enough to carry it into the professional arena - I salute you all.

My long-suffering best friend, who saw me in approximately 500 plays and musicals between the ages of 12-20, actually coined the 'Chorus Acting' phrase while sitting through them, and to this day will say, 'I saw this movie with J.Lo, she's such a Chorus Actor!' or 'I couldn't hear what so-and-so was saying on the dance floor so we had a conversation using Chorus Acting.'

I'm not sure why you need to know that. But there it is.

*puts in earphones*
*plays Peter Gallagher showtunes cd*
*enjoys*

Posted by: jellyfish at July 26, 2005 01:58 PM

Brilliant. I walked into the State Theatre behind The History-Making Toupee and its inhabitant and also did quite the double take (another staple of Chorus Acting) at the blazer which, somehow, managed to catch my eye before his 'hair'. It was indeed a daring but glorious combo and I seethe with jealousy.

But.

We won't have a word said against Jeanne nor her courageous sense of style. [Even if we did get shut out of Wednesday's dress rehearsal due to a sudden change in policy.] She does her best.

I'd also like to encourage jellyfish to start a showtunes blog - it's sorely needed. I've been discussing with friends creating a site to be entitled 'Abusicals' to create a forum for the explosion of creativity that only comes from writing negative reviews of musical theatre. The Production Co's 'Kiss Me, Kate' would have pride of place this week...

Posted by: Simon at July 26, 2005 03:00 PM

Oh, Jeanne.

I said pet.
I said love.
I said pet.

As my friend I-Man said: the next face-lift for Jeanne will be a caesarian.

And as my friend POTUS said: Jeanne has such a high plastic content nowadays.

When last I was last treading the boards, I encouraged my fellow chorines to use 'Barbra' as their on-stage back-ground chatter. Imagine, if you will, 60-odd people muttering 'Barbra' to each other while the leads do their thang centre-stage.

Priceless.

As for 'Baise-moi Katrine' ('Kiss Me Kate'), what can one say? Love your work Jeanne, but if 'Sunset Boulevard' isn't much better - and if David Campbell doesn't get a shirt-less scene - then the TSA's ('Tall Show-Queens of Australia') will be paying a visit to Raheen to 'brush up your Shakespeare'.

: )

Posted by: Muppet at July 26, 2005 03:27 PM

jelly,
Why does it not surprise me that you're all over the showtunes post? Start that blog. Start it NOW!

simon,
"Abusicals". Gold. So long as there's room for genuine affection towards the form (and Jeanne) in there. Because honestly, where else can you get away with rhyming "what a cad you are" with "Padua"?

and Muppet,
I wouldn't hold my breath for "Sunset Boulevard". "Oklahoma" with Ian Stenlake, however, could be a cracker.

Posted by: Peter at July 26, 2005 04:00 PM

Believe me, at Abusicals and in my heart there's only room for genuine affection for the genre - it's that which makes a bad production of a bad show (I'm not looking at anyone in particular frankwildhorn) so incredibly delicious and a bad production of a good show (a la Saturday's 'Kiss Me, Kate') so inducive of despair.

I do love "Zounds, a loathesome lad you are".

Really, you'd take Ian Stenlake over David Campbell? Did you see the incredible Carousel vs the not-quite-credible Eureka last year? On the other hand, only Don Black (and certainly not Oscar Hammerstein II) could have written "Shut up, I'm rich/Not some platinum blonde bitch/I own so many apartments, I've forgotten which is which". Inspired. I guess we should be grateful that it actually rhymes.

Posted by: Simon at July 26, 2005 04:27 PM

Simon,
Re: Stenlake v Campbell. I take your points. However, Carousel is actually a good (perhaps great) show. I didn't see Eureka, but from what I've heard... stinker. So not entirely fair to compare the stars on that basis.

Then again, I'm doing the same thing with Sunset Blvd (stinker) v Oklahoma (cheesy gold).

I LOVE this sleeping showtunes fan base out there. Bring it on!

Posted by: Peter at July 26, 2005 05:16 PM

Carousel is indeed a great show - one of the greatest, IMHO (Sweeney Todd and West Side Story making the trilogy in the theatre of my mind). Of course, they made unnecessary and damaging cuts to the book but there's always that score! And it far outshines Oklahoma! (Stephen Sondheim once described it thus: Oklahoma! is about a picnic, Carousel is about life and death) though Oklahoma! is still a great show, particularly of its time.

And, yes, I still have managed to get the stench of You-reek-a out of my hair. I saw it three times in the vain hope that they might actually have improved it over the run. It featured what appears to be unanimously agreed to be one good moment which was a song called 'What Women Do' in the second act. A loooong way into the second act. Question: has Gale Edwards ever done anything worth seeing?

But I do very much like Sunset - there haven't been enough of what Ethan Mordden calls Big Lady Shows in recent years and it gives divas a great op to show their stuff. Now that's cheesy gold!

I'm loving this whole public-conversation-about-showtunes-with-complete-strangers thing too!

Posted by: Simon at July 26, 2005 07:01 PM

Apologies, Simon. It seems I left the exclamation mark off Oklahoma! I appreciate such trivialities. You'll note I studiously ensured the comma was there in Kiss Me, Kate.

What I cannot abide is the omission of Guys and Dolls from your top three. West Side, I'll pay it. Even Sweeney Todd if you like that sort of thing. But nothing matches G&D for
a. Snappy book
b. Kick-arse numbers. Seriously. Not a dud in the show (except maybe More I Cannot Wish You, but we'll let that one slide). And sweet arrangements. Get a band that swings hard and you can't go wrong.

Posted by: Peter at July 26, 2005 11:33 PM

Good grief, Simon! You're totally going to be guest posting too, pal.

Posted by: jellyfish at July 26, 2005 11:37 PM

See, the problem is, I think, that I've never seen a good production of G&D. I like the music, it's a very good and well-constructed show but it's never lifted me to the dizzying heights of musical theatre, or even musical comedy, ecstasy (except for an excerpt of 'Sit Down, You're Rocking The Boat' from the 1992 Broadway revival which was on the Tony Awards that year). I guess it's also partly because I tend to prefer a bit more drama with my musicals and G&D is pure musical comedy (though I'm not suggesting that I actually don't like musical comedy). Find me a good production and I'll see what I can do about moving the show up the list (though, I'm afraid it's unlikely to ever get to be a top three show).

Jellyfish, maybe you'd better avoid the showtunes blog if I'm to spend time on anything other than postings like this. I'm sure there'll be much to post about after your trip though...

Posted by: Simon at July 27, 2005 04:44 PM

No pains, no gains... Bennett

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