Glutbusters

July 13, 2005

A Rhyme For Every Occasion

I love poetry. Seriously. Love the stuff. Pulled a pint for Seamus Heaney in Dublin (then he nicked a glass, but that's another story). But I've always had an issue with the whole poetry thing. 'Cause it just sits there, doesn't it? In books, or that little corner in The Weekend Australian. It never does anything. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that poetry is nice and all, but it's ultimately useless.

Until now.

In the course of research for my day job (don't ask), I stumbled across i-do.com.au, "Australia's leading wedding website". And if that wasn't inspiration enough, through it I encountered a poet not only in touch with the magic of the English language, but its until-now-untapped utilitarianism in the context of arranging a wedding.

I give you:

Alison Styles of "Styles of Writing" (clever!).

Let's have a look at some of Alison's work.

We all love wedding food. But some of us have dietary restrictions that preclude us from enjoying certain culinary delights. For example, you've invited your colleague Mohammed to your special day but no-one told you that he was a Muslim. And even if they did - halal? Faux pas! Fortunately, Alison is on hand with a handy little stanza:

Taste in food can vary.
We'd like to feed you well...
so if you have a special need,
send a note and tell!

Phew.

You know the trials of planning a big do. Who to invite? Or, more pressing, who to exclude? The last thing you want are those cretins who you wouldn't want within a mile of your party finding out about it. After all, cretins have feelings too. But how to tell the lucky invitees that there is to be a cone of silence over party discussions? Alison has the answer:

Reception will be intimate.
Not many will attend -
So please don't speak of being there
as others - may offend!

What a woman. She even has a verse on hand for getting rid of the kids:

Bring children to our wedding -
We'd love them on the scene!
Reception time however
is an adult only theme.

Also handy if one plans excessive drug use, nudity, or wife-swapping for the after-dark hours.

But what's really great about Alison is that, being a poet for the ages, she knows when to break the rules. You will have noted her slavish devotion to the meter. It is, you could say, her trademark. And what lengths she will go to to preserve the structure of her work, yet honour her muse. Running a little over in the following request to keep gifts modest, she will not dishonour her craft with a slack rhyme or an inferior phrase. No, she thinks outside the poetic box and DOES AWAY WITH ALL PRONOUNS, DIRECT OR OTHERWISE!

The day we've planned is loving,
though casual theme have sought -
If gift must bring - keep simple...
whether made, or whether bought.

Brilliant!

Your slack moll soon-to-be-ex-best-friend dragging her feet on her bridesmaid's dress?

As best friend - you I want.
Don't meet this with a frown.
I've sent you samples - helpful friends -
to groom a bridesmaid gown...
This wedding day will be here soon -
Don't bring my smile down.

Or are you an enormous tight-arse who would prefer your guests to pay their own way on your magical day?

Gifts are simply not a-fair
as for our wedding day -
we ask instead you post a-fare...
and this, for cruise, will stow away!

(The reception's on a cruise, get it? Thus the nautical theme. Note also the cunning rhyme of "fair" with its homonym "fare". Note also that the amount requested was $12. Twelve. Dollars.)

And finally, the curly area of presents (NB Can be rhymed artfully with "presence" and worked into a thankyou note).

What to do if you haven't yet established the marital home, and storage is at a premium? Why, ask your guests to give you gift vouchers! But how to do it delicately?

Our current home is temporary.
We're needing all our space...
Loving now the present thought
of vouchers Myer/Grace!

Why didn't I think of that? Or, sick and tired of receiving the same old whitegoods and crockery from the same old bridal registries? Solution: cash. Initiate a "Money Tree" (yeah, doesn't sound quite so crass like that, does it?). Remove any subjectivity and value your friends based on a simple cash figure. Here's my favourite (and there are many, many more - it seems this is a raging issue in bridal circles).

Love the joy of choosing gifts?
Wrap the chosen captive?
If thoughts elude in this regard
... money is attractive!

Yes. Yes, it is.

So. Poets. Indeed, anyone out there who smiths the word to make a living. Think long and hard about what you're doing. Because no longer is it enough to merely arrange your words so they sound nice and leave them to rot on the pages of some "book". No, Alison's raised the bar for all of you. Now, like the architecture of the etymological world, your words must do something. Because if they don't, what good are they?

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